The Macavity Files
by PsychoticPharaoh
Summary: For those of you who have just tuned in, yes, I AM Macavity, and no I WON’T give you money. Go away. OOBasically a story wherein Macavity must escape the confines of the London Zoo and hopefully make good on a cheesy burrito.OO


So this little one-shot was a story I wrote maybe a year and a half ago. I found it and thought it was funny enough to post, so here you are. I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. The character I created for Macavity makes me laugh…it's probably the cynicism. If he seems weird to you, then you have to understand that this is a comedy/parody, so don't take it seriously. It's also important to note that I'm using Griddlebone as Macavity's partner; like a second in command.

Disclaimer: CATS definitely isn't mine.

Oh, and just a little note: my version of the Jellicles in here is as humanoids, not as actual cats. So they walk and speak and dress like humans, they just have tails and cat ears, etc.

I hope the formatting isn't screwed up….

THE MACAVITY FILES.

Name: Macavity

Codename: Vincent

Location: Animal retention facility otherwise known as the zoo

Mission: Get the hell away from Griddlebone

Current Status: Observing the primates, both in and out of the cages

Mission Success Rating: Zero Percent

_I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life._

Such was the mantra passing through my head. Soon, though, it changed to '_Don't kill them. Don't kill them. Don't kill them_' after a slight mishap with some damn child bumping into me. I hate everything.

"Vincent, look at that monkey. Isn't that funny?"

"It's lovely, Marie."

Such was the conversation.

For those of you who have just tuned in, yes, I AM Macavity, and no I WON'T give you money. Go away.

Griddlebone (A.K.A. Marie, if none of you half-wits picked up on that one) dragged me to this fucking place, claiming that I 'need more relaxation time". Now, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't consider walking around all day in the hot sun watching these damned animals jump up and down as relaxing. And then there are the ones locked up behind those bars without anything to do. But, I suppose, I can relate with them. Suffering through ennui isn't the best way to spend one's time. But I'd much rather be spending it sitting behind a desk feeling powerful than shuffling around outside in a tourist outfit feeling like an idiot. I hate my life.

I have been here a grand total of three hours. And we still haven't even gotten to the kangaroos. Fuck.

I glance at my watch and then at Griddlebone, who is currently in the midst of a rapt observation of some chimpanzees. I would have to time this perfectly in order to escape. Perhaps a distraction would be appropriate…

Slowly I kneel down to pick up a rock while simultaneously pretending to tie my shoe. Straightening up once more, I calmly and coolly (how could I not be?) walk over to the lemur exhibit. A monkey next to me scratches its crack. Disgusting. As much as I would have _loved_ to peg the sunglasses-clad, ass-scratching monkey, I instead heave the rock at one of the lemurs.

Dammit! I _knew_ I should have taken those softball lessons! No matter. I will simply aim again. Once more won't hurt, though that damn monkey is giving me a weird stare. Probably marveling at my superiority.

I stoop down a second time and pluck another rock from the ground. The monkey continues to stare. Bastard.

I stand again and glare at the primate, causing it to look away. Oh yeah, the patented Macavity-death-glare. No mortal can withstand its pure destructive power when forced to endure a head-on blow. Except, perhaps, Griddlebone…but I'm nearly convinced that she's some sort of super-powered, mega cat from a galaxy far, far away. Shit. I've gotta stop watch late-night movies…

I raise my hand to chuck the rock a second time and notice a zoo cop eyeballing me. I quickly scratch my head in cover. Very smooth.

Once the Z.C. decides I was just being stupid (which, in a way, I must admit I was being) and looks away, I hurl the rock, this time becoming so lucky as to hit a particularly fat lemur on the head. Damn, I am amazing.

The action has the desired effect, and the lemur begins shrieking. This, in turn, causes the other lemurs to shriek, which causes the rest of the caged monkeys to shriek, which causes the roaming monkeys to shriek, and, well, you get my idea.

In the middle of the commotion I manage to slip away, while catching that cop yelling "Where is he? I saw the guy that did this!". Tough luck, monkey-man, you know what my loyal supporters say (and I quote): 'Macavity's not there!'. Heh heh. Now to high-tail it out of here before Griddlebone has a chance to figure it all out.

I stop running about halfway through the African exhibit. I had passed the kangaroos quite some time ago.

I catch my breath in the most dignified manner I can muster, considering the insanity of my far-fetched situation. A smaller monkey looks up at me. "Hey, mister, is somethin' wrong?" _Yeah, you._ Luckily for me, the monkey's mother sweeps in and scoops the thing up, muttering, "Jeremy, I told you not to talk to strangers! Look at him! What would you have done is he had kidnapped you?!" _No problem there, misses monkey, trust me._

I cross my arms over my chest and begin my attempts of thinking, which is, just between you and me, never a good idea for someone like myself. _What to do, what to do…_ In front of me, a capybara sniffs the ground.

Now, I don't mean to come off as some type of animal-lover or "save the trees!"-er or a crazed PETA member or something, but I do have quite an affection for capybaras. I suppose, though, that started with my younger years back when I was still with those Jellicles. Jennyanydots had _insisted_ that the kittens go to the zoo in a fieldtrip-like situation in order to "better understand the natural workings of our world". To this day, I don't think that Jenny ever understood what that meant, but despite this, I (along with the rest of the class) was forced to go. I think Munkustrap was actually _looking forward_ to it. The suck-up.

That day was a rather hot summer afternoon, and even the shade was sweltering. Naturally, one can rely on England's weather to be absolutely unreliable. No rain fell that day. Our little troupe was visiting the South American animals, and I was sulking in the corner. Bombalurina was with Tugger, looking at some llamas, though Tugger was definitely looking at something else… Alonzo was sipping a cola he had convinced Jenny to buy, and look pretty smug about it. Munkustrap seemed fascinated by a snake that looked as though it could have easily swallowed him whole and then some (though, technically, don't snakes swallow _everything_ whole?). And Demeter…well, Demeter was standing close by, ignoring me as usual. But then again, most people did, considering I was barely taller than the desk I was forced to sit in everyday while Jenny gave lectures about table manners. But that was no excuse!

Well, being the innocent, curious kitten that I was (NOT!), I decided to investigate the animals all by my lonesome. I soon came upon a baby capybara, and instantly, it struck a chord inside my black little heart. I thought to myself about how it was a crime to keep the poor thing locked up inside that cage. No one, however, told me that the real crime would be letting it out. And, well, smuggling it back to the junkyard in a plastic gift bag. Which was exactly what happened.

But the story doesn't end there. Oh, no! How could anyone possibly think that it was a simple case of a young boy being stuck by a human compassion for a simple-minded creature and deciding to set it free from its fascist oppressors? I had an ulterior motive. Did you _really_ expect anything different? Tsk-tsk. Shame on you.

Upon reaching the junkyard, I let the poor, ruffled creature out of its bag. Well, actually that didn't do much, considering I had to knock it unconscious in order to get it to stop squirming. But that fact aside, I plopped the thing on the ground away from sight and awaited my moment. It came a few minutes later, when the queens went into their rooms for a good night's sleep. Heh heh.

Now, I had previously snuck into the quarters on several occasions, originally with Tugger and then later by myself. I knew exactly how to get in.

I picked up the capybara and snuck inside. Locating my victim, I laid the unconscious creature next to her pillow and moved to different location in order to get a better viewing. This, too, I was experienced with, and in no time at all, I was settled in to watch the show.

The capybara stirred, slowly awakening from its darkness and looking around. It noticed its bedmate and began sniffing her face. She stirred and awoke, unsure at what the thing before her was. Realization downed on her, and she screamed in shock, causing both herself and the poor capybara to fall off the bed. I, of course, found this infinitely amusing, but I knew too well to stick around. Jenny would be there soon, and the whole junkyard would be up and about, thrown into chaos. I skittered out of there, preparing some alibis in my mind, ultimately knowing they would accuse me. I also understood that no matter what lame excuse I gave them, they would never think otherwise. But it didn't matter. The moment had been priceless.

The reciprocation was swift and harsh. I was forced to return the capybara to the zoo and take whatever punishment they were willing to deal out, which actually turned out to be a blessing, as I was only banned from ever coming back. No complaints from me. But Jenny had other plans back at the junkyard. I spent two full months with her after classes, doing whatever menial chores she had in mind and copying over and over on the chalkboard that I "mustn't place small mammals into other people's beds".

But none of that mattered, because from that day onward, that date became known as the night I snuck a live capybara into Demeter's bed.

And that's the way it was.

Fucking Walter Cronkite.

Basically, I believe that explains my affections for the little creatures rather well.

Anyway, nostalgia over and done with, I am currently still in the midst of completing my mission. True, I have temporarily escaped Griddlebone's clutches, but I have yet to get the hell out of here completely. And I'm hungry. Dammit.

Luckily, each section of the zoo contains a different type of café, and this one was nearby. And it was Mexican.

Why Mexican? I don't know. It doesn't make sense. I'm in the middle of the African exhibit, and they have a Mexican restaurant. Figures. Those monkeys don't know anything.

I walk into the café, with hopes of at least getting a churro. But there, before my eyes, I see the very thing that has been the bane of my eating existence. A burrito. And not just any burrito; a cheesy, greasy, meat-filled burrito! Hell yeah!

Me gusta burrito mucho.

I fish through my pockets desperately, looking for money. (NEED BURRITO!!) Finally locating enough money for a large ultra-spicy burrito, I walk up to the counter, which is, unfortunately, crowded with monkeys. Damn. Well, nothing ever comes easy in life, so I wait. I _really_ want to eat that thing.

After a few pushes and some shoving, accompanied by a couple curse words, I manage to reach the counter still intact.

"One large burrito." _Burrito!burrito!burrito!burrito!burrito!_

"Would you like that to be a small-large, medium-large, ultra-large, or a mega-large?" _What?_

"A large. All I want is a large burrito."

"Yes, I understand that, sir, but there are more than one sizes within the large."

"That doesn't make any sense. I just want a large burrito."

"Sir, please, there are more customers waiting, and if you can't make up your mind, then I'll have to ask you to stand to one side."

"I_ have_ made up my mind! I want a large burrito!"

"I told you, sir, we need to keep the line moving." _Is she serious? I just want a fucking burrito, for Christ's sake!_

"No, no! I want my burrito! I want my large burrito!"

"Look, man," a guy behind me snaps, "don't give the lady any trouble. She's just trying to do her job!"

"And what about me?!" I cry indignantly, "Whatever happened to 'the customer is always right'?"

"Hey, buddy, she gave you the choices! Make up your mind or get out of line!"

_I don't believe this…_

"Please, sir, move along."

"Hey! No! Give me my burrito!"

"Sir, I can't give you something you haven't ordered!"

Okay, NOW she's just pissing me off.

"I'll tell you for the umpteenth time! I want a fucking burrito!"

"Please, if you're going to use language, I suggest you use it away from here. There are children present."

"Fuck the children! I want that burrito!"

'Listen, dude, if you're gonna give the lady a hard time, I'll hafta take you outside."

_And do what? Beat the shit out of me? Good luck there._

"Can't you just give me a burrito?"

"Sir, I'm going to call the manager if you keep this up."

"Go ahead! I _want_ to talk to him!"

And so the cash register-working waitress from hell called the manager over. He, unfortunately, turned out to be an even bigger scumball than her. Long story short, I got my burrito, though I had to use more desperate measures…

"…the killer was reportedly said to be none other than Macavity in disguise. Why he was there, no one knows, but he successfully murdered everyone in the restaurant using only plastic utensils. When authorities arrived on the scene, they found him sitting at a booth, covered in gore, eating a burrito. When the police attempted to apprehend him, he escaped by disemboweling one officer with a spork. If anyone had any informa--"

I click the 'off' button on the remote and the news reporter disappears from the screen. Well, that certainly had been a productive evening. Though it had Griddlebone's desired effect, the path may have been changed slightly. No matter. I got my burrito…

END.

Hope you guys liked it! Please review, so I know how this turned out!


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